


I'll Come Around

by mrsyt31



Category: One Direction (Band), The Voice (Ireland) RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Injury, Injury Recovery, M/M, Rimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 14:10:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5007757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsyt31/pseuds/mrsyt31
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Looking back, Niall can pinpoint all of the singular moments that changed his life forever. It’s funny though, aside from the obvious ones - his parents divorce, auditioning for Xfactor, being put into the band - the moment that stands out the clearest in his mind is one that seemed insignificant at the time.</p><p>Life is strange that way, he supposes.</p><p> </p><p>Written for 1D Summer Bang, loosely base on James Bay's 'If you ever wanna be in love'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So. This has been a labor of love for the last six months. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Huge thanks to Ness, Sarah, Shai, and Lucy for the beta, britpick, and irish pick. I love you all, YOU ROCK SO HARD. Any remaining mistakes are totally on me.
> 
> For my bestie, my soul sister from the other side of the world, Cass. Thank you for always being my biggest cheerleader. #pineapplesweetpotatoemojiforever <3<3<3
> 
> This is a work of fiction. Please do not share it outside of fandom. RESPECT THE FOURTH WALL, FOLKS.
> 
> Title comes from the James Bay song, 'If you ever wanna be in love'.

_Saw you today after so much time_  
_Felt just like it used to be_  
_Talking for hours 'bout a different life_  
_Surrounding us in memories_  
_We were close never close enough_  
_Baby are we now_  
_'Cause if it's torn we can stitch it up_  
_Don't rule it out_  


 

Looking back, Niall can pinpoint all of the singular moments that changed his life forever. It’s funny though, aside from the obvious ones - his parents divorce, auditioning for Xfactor, being put into the band - the moment that stands out the clearest in his mind is one that seemed insignificant at the time.

Life is strange that way, he supposes.

**

Niall is seventeen the first time he meets Bressie. He grew up knowing Bressie's face, and he's idolized him for as far back as he can remember. It's part of being Irish, knowing everyone and their business. And in Ireland, Mullingar especially, Bressie's proper famous. Niall can only hope he ends up near as successful as Bressie's been. That he can make his family proud.

It happens after 1D get voted out of live shows, after Simon tells One Direction that he's signing them to his label just the same. He's arranged for all the boys to have flats in London, and it's like a whole new world has been opened up for all of them.

But London is big, and Niall misses Ireland; he misses his mam and dad, and even his brother Greg, and he thinks he probably won't have a chance to get back home for a while. When he starts having panic attacks every time he's out with the boys and they get swarmed by fans, he worries. Maybe he can't do this, doesn't belong here. Maybe he should just go back to Mullingar with his tail between his legs and be grateful that he had this chance at all.

Niall knows his dad is friendly with Bressie because of his work as the local butcher back home. Bressie’s back there enough that they’ve actually forged a sort of friendship. It blows Niall’s mind a bit, to think of Bobby grabbing a pint with him when he’s in town. He’s totally taken by surprise, though, when Bobby gives him the phone number. “He said you might ring if you’re feeling overwhelmed or missing home. Said he knows what it’s like, and he’s happy to listen if you ever need an ear, so.” 

He doesn’t call him right away. He waits nearly two weeks, until they’re getting ready to start the X Factor tour, when there’s so many fans waiting to see them off at the tour bus and Niall feels like he’ll never be able to breathe again.

He answers the call with a quiet _Hey, this is Brez_. Fuck, Niall's got posters of Bressie’s face all over his walls back home, which he proceeds to tell him in embarrassing fashion. 

Bressie laughs, gentle yet booming, and Niall can hear the smile in his voice. "S'that so, Chief?"

"Too feckin’ right, yerself. Can't go anywhere without auld son bitching 'bout seeing yer ugly mug all 'round." 

"Well, I’m glad he gave you my number," Bressie says brightly. "Known him since I was knee high. Good’un, Bobby Horan."

And just like that, they're mates.

**

Nothing's really all that different, except now, when he gets that tingling at the back of his neck and that twitchy feeling in his bones and feels like he needs to escape, he calls Bressie. One of the first times they'd talked, Brez had told him, "Being well famous has its perks, for sure, but it can also be rough. I've been there, and I know how mad it can get. You can always ring me. Anytime. Even if y’ feel like you're just wanting a bit of home."

Niall had been grateful, and chatting with Bressie always helps settle him a bit, afterward. He's heard some in the papers about Bressie's troubles with anxiety and such, but it's different hearing it from the man himself. The intimate details of what it's like to suffer from something so debilitating, something that you can't really understand or comprehend unless you've experienced it yourself. So it helps, being able to talk with Bressie about how he suffers from the claustrophobia, how sometimes just meeting fans and signing autographs is too much, so overwhelming that he can’t quite catch his breath. 

When Bressie tells him that he'll be in London for a few weeks and that Niall should stop by sometime, he doesn't hesitate. He shows up at Bressie's door on a Tuesday afternoon, guitar in hand and an embarrassed grin on his face. It's the first time they've hung out together in person, and Niall's hoping he's not overstepping the boundaries of this new friendship they've forged.

Bressie takes one look at Niall and says, "What's this, Chief?"

Niall can feel his ears heat up, and maybe he's a little embarrassed to admit this to one of his idols. But it's also _Bressie_ , and Niall knows without a doubt that he'd never make Niall feel bad on purpose.

It's with this in mind that he pushes past Bressie and into his flat, laying his guitar case on the floor beside the dining table. "I finally have the money for new strings," he says. "But I'll be arsed if I was gonna ask the bloke at the shop to show me how to change ‘em."

He takes his guitar out of the case carefully, turning to meet Bressie's curious gaze. "Been playing for a while now, taught m’self quite a bit. But I figured you might be able to help me out, so?"

Bressie chuckles and shakes his head, resting his hands on his hips. "Yeah," he says. "I think we can get you sorted."

It's easy after that. They see each other at least once a week while Bressie's in London, hanging out at Bressie's flat and sharing takeaway. He teaches Niall a lot of stuff on his guitar, and introduces him to Eoghan and Laura and the rest of the London Irish Crew, as they've dubbed themselves. It's possibly the most at home Niall's felt in months.

It makes sense that he's sad when Bressie heads back to Ireland. Niall understands how hectic Bressie's schedule can be, especially now that One Direction are in the studio so much, working on their first album. But Bressie's been such a huge part of Niall's life in London so far, and he's going to miss having him around all the time. That's all it is. Really. 

Except for the bone-deep ache he feels at the thought of not having Bressie's arm thrown casually over his shoulder. Of not being able to see the proud smile on Bressie's face when Niall masters a new melody on his guitar. He sometimes wonders if Bressie might ever be able to see him not as a kid, a little brother of sorts, but an equal.

He never lets those thoughts linger for very long. Instead, he appreciates the easy friendship that's developed between them, and makes a promise to call Bressie if he's able to get back to Ireland his next break.

**

It's Niall's birthday before they see each other in person again. Bressie’s been in Ireland most of the summer working on some new music, and Niall’s been busy working on One Direction’s first album. He still has to pinch himself most days, because he can’t believe that this is actually his life now. And it’s cool, because when they can find time to connect by phone or text or whatever, Niall has stories of his own to share. It’s nice.

It’s just a night down the pub, but it’s Niall’s eighteenth birthday and his real party’s not ‘til the weekend. He’s been looking forward to seeing the crew again, everyone coming back together after being scattered to the wind for so many months. They’re all waiting when Niall walks in, cheering as they clap him on the back and wish him a happy birthday. Bressie’s the last one in the group, waiting patiently while the others have their turn with the birthday boy.

“Happy birthday, chief,” he says once they’re face to face. “I see London hasn’t changed you too much. S'it treating you well?”

Niall chuckles, bouncing on his toes. He’s itching to give Bressie a hug, but he doesn’t want to seem too eager. “It’s great. I’ve been playing a lot, getting ready for the album promo. Looks like I might get to play guitar on tour as well.”

Bressie pulls him in by the shoulder and gives him a firm squeeze. “G’won with ye! I can’t wait to hear the rest of it. To be sure. You know your single is all over the radio back home. I got to hear the first play on Radio 1 with m’own ears."

"It was massive ," he replies, unable to temper the smile that's taken over his face. "Sure, to be in that studio and hear your own song get played on national radio. Never thought in m’life to dream that, so. "

Bressie's answering smile is fond. he squeezes Niall's arm again and says, "I'm mighty proud of y’ Niall."

He can feel the heat rising in his cheeks, but he tries to shrug it off. "Thanks. It's sound, yeah?"

"Truly."

Eoghan comes barreling over then, and shouts, "Stop hogging our little Nialler, Brez. We've got serious birthday shenanigans planned."

It's weeks before Niall can shake off the wobbly feeling in his belly that Bressie's words left him with.

**

Life is busy for Niall. One Direction are on tour in Great Britain to support their new album, and there's talk of a few dates in America as an opener after the new year. There's parties and promo, and it's all very exciting. He doesn't get to see Bressie very much, but they text and tweet each other often. They even manage to meet up for a pint when they're in the same place for a couple of days.

When Christmas comes, the band gets a few days off to spend with their families. It's not much, but it's a welcome reprieve from the craziness that's surrounded them. Especially with all the traveling they'll be doing over the next few months. 

There was never a question that Niall would go back to Mullingar. He's happy to discover that Bressie's home for a few days as well, even more so when his da invites Bressie around on Boxing Day. 

Niall's started to realise that his feelings for Brez may have turned into a bit more than friendship and head into 'serious crush' territory. It's not a complete surprise. Niall flirts with everyone, male and female, and even though he's never actually dated a bloke, he's never been particular about the sex of the people he chooses to hook up with. He likes who he likes. End of story.

These feelings, though, are more complicated. Bressie is his friend. Niall's not opposed to hooking up with a mate, but he thinks that's not how it would feel with Bressie. It scares him a little. He’d never want to do anything that might jeopardize what they already have. 

It makes him feel awkward at first. With all these new feelings factored in, he’s not sure how to act normal around Bressie. It’s a problem, especially when Greg calls him out on his strange behavior.

“What’s the matter with you?” he asks, clapping Niall on the shoulder. “You’ve been tetchy all afternoon. Yer not on pills or something, are yeh?”

Bressie looks at him from the other side of the room, concerned, but Niall just forces a smile on and shrugs it off. “No pills, just restless I guess. Not used to the quiet anymore. Everything in London is so noisy all the time.”

He sees Bressie approach, but still startles a little when he feels a large, warm hand on his neck. Bressie squeezes once, gentle, and then ruffles Niall’s hair. “Enjoy it while you can, chief. You’ll be back in the middle of the storm all too soon.”

Niall hopes it wasn’t obvious how his heart rate sped up at Bressie’s touch. He hopes nobody picked up on the way his breathing went shallow for just that one brief moment. 

**

The next few months go by in a blur. One Direction has finished their UK tour, as well as album promo all over Europe. They spend most of March in America, opening for Big Time Rush for a few shows, and doing lots of radio and tv promo to celebrate their US album release. They perform on the bloody Today Show _and_ Saturday Night Live. Niall’s not sure if there’s anything that will ever top this, to be honest. He’s living his dream. 

It’s good to be home, though. He’s gotten used to the idea of London as his home, especially now that his cousin, Willie, has moved over from Ireland. He doesn’t get that homesick feeling like he did even a year ago, when he just wanted to go and crash on his mam’s sofa for a few days. He’s settled here now. It’s nice, and he feels like celebrating a bit.

Niall’s leaving again in a couple of days, but Bressie and the rest of his mates are all in London at the same time, which hasn’t happened in months. Niall himself has just returned from two weeks in Australia and is still recovering from jetlag. It doesn’t stop him from inviting everyone to his, though.

Its pretty tame, as far as parties go, but Niall’s not complaining. It’s just nice to see everyone again. Especially Bressie. They’ve been keeping in touch mostly through texts and emails; even when Niall was literally half a world away, Bressie made a point to check in and see how he was doing. Niall had sent him one picture from his day on the boat, just a crooked selfie with the sunset glowing in the background. He’d captioned it, _wish you were here_ , and Bressie had texted back a simple, _me too, chief_.

It makes Niall feel warm inside, to think of it, and it’s done nothing to temper his crush. Still, it’s not the same as knowing they’re in the same city, when they can easily grab a beer or some lunch when their schedules allow. It’s possible he thinks about it more than he really should.

The alcohol helps Niall shake any residual awkwardness. It's _Bressie_ , for fucks sake, and he's Niall's friend first and foremost. Whatever things Niall happens to be feeling are not Bressie's problem. Once he's had a couple of drinks, he can actually talk to him without getting tongue-tied. When he's finished his fourth, even casual touching is easy.

It's possible, though, that the way he's been touching Bressie is not quite casual enough. Niall is perched on Bressie's lap with an arm slung possessively around his neck, when Eoghan wanders over and taps him on the knee. "Come help me in the kitchen for a mo'," he says. The thing about Eoghan, is that he’s an observant fucker. Niall should have guessed that he’d figure him out.

Niall walks past him into the kitchen and turns, leaning back against the cold granite counter top. He tries to look braver than he feels, which doesn’t necessarily work because Eoghan knows him so well. 

“It’s not what you think.”

Eoghan barks out a laugh. “Is that so?” he asks. “Am I wrong that you’ve been giving Brez a bit of the glad eye for months? And I know you’ve had a bit to drink, but I’ve never seen you quite so touchy with anyone outside of your band.” 

Niall doesn’t say anything at first, because Eoghan's not wrong. But he really doesn't want this to be a 'thing' that they all worry about. "It's really nothing," he says. "Just a wee bit moony? Totally one-sided and completely harmless, so. I don't even think he's into blokes like that."

"Oh, he's into blokes," Eoghan huffs. "Maybe not as often as the ladies, but you'd be just the type he'd pull." Niall nearly chokes, because that is new information. He barely has time to process before Eoghan continues. 

"Look, I just don't want to see you get your feelings hurt. Either one of yas. You’re only just eighteen, and you'll be travelling all over the world the next few years. And Brez, well. He’s a bit more settled into his life. Do y’take my meaning, then, Niall?”

Niall can feel himself deflate a bit. Taking a deep breath and then huffing it back out, he scrubs a hand over the back of his head and says, “Yeah. I get it. You think I’m too young or whatever. As I said, i just fancy him a bit. Not a big deal at all.”

“I’m sorry mate. I’m just looking after ya, the pair of yas. You know that, yeah?”

He nods, trying to swallow past the lump that’s built up in his throat. “I do. Thanks.”

Eoghan pulls him in for a brief hug and pats him on the back. “Go record your album. Go to America, and have some fun. We’ll all still be here when you get back, mate.”

Niall knows Eoghan is right. He takes a deep breath and tries to put it all out of his mind.

He avoids Bressie for most of the night after that, trying not to make it too obvious. He chats with Laura for nearly an hour, tucked away in the corner, and tries not to notice the way Bressie’s eyes keep following him. It’s fine. It’s just a crush.

He’ll get over it soon enough.

**

America is _insane_. Niall still can’t believe they sold out their first US headline tour. It’s absolutely surreal. Even though he’s not had much time to chat, he makes sure to send pictures with brief notes attached to everyone at home. Mostly of the few sights he gets to see with the boys, sometimes just of funny things that happen backstage at their gigs. His mam always likes the group selfies with the boys the best of all, so he’s got a fairly extensive collection of them saved to his phone.

He’s almost sad to be heading back home, to be honest.

But they’ve got some finishing touches to put on the new album, and he knows that the promo calendar for autumn is going to be hectic. Niall knows he needs this break to rest up and have some fun. To get his head on straight before the craziness starts again. That’s not to say there isn’t still work to be done. 

With a new contract and a second album on the way, Niall thinks he's financially secure enough to start looking for a new place. The flat has been great, but it’s time for something a little more private; somewhere that is really a home where he can go and hide out in his off time. He spends the first couple of weeks quietly looking at properties before finally calling a listing agent. He's no idea what he's looking for, honestly, and his agent has apparently worked with other celebrities. Not that Niall really thinks of himself that way, but since he can't even go to Tesco these days without getting mobbed, he supposes it's his new reality. Either way, it will probably take a while to find something that fits. 

He ends up convincing Willie that they need a real holiday. They manage to round up a few mates and fly to Spain at the weekend. One thing about touring, is that even though you're traveling to lots of cool places, there's not much downtime in which to really enjoy it. 

They spend the week poolside, pleasantly buzzed on tropical drinks. It makes it a little easier for Niall to stop thinking about the texts he’s left unanswered in his phone. He’s not necessarily _avoiding_ Bressie, but he’s not really sure where his head is at. It’s potentially dangerous territory for Niall. They’ve not spoken by phone since Niall left for the States, only by text, and he’s nervous about how he’s going to feel once he sees Brez face to face again. 

He doesn’t have to wonder for long. Niall is barely off the plane at Heathrow when Eoghan is calling him up and insisting he join the crew down at their favorite pub. 

“Don’t trouble yourself overmuch,” Eoghan says. “It’s just pints with a few mates.”

“Alright, then. What time should I be there?”

It’s all okay in the end. Bressie’s not weird with him, and Niall is able to resist the urge to get too close. He shares his stories from tour, and it’s fine. The boys take the piss out of him, just like always, and Niall tries not to think too much about the fond look on Bressie’s face. 

It’s a regular thing over the next few weeks, having pints at one pub or another. Niall is able to let his guard down a little bit, and feels more relaxed around Bressie than he has in months. 

After One Direction performs at the Olympic Closing Ceremonies, it’s not surprising that the crew wants to celebrate Niall’s triumph. It’s what they do, cheering each other on and making a fuss every time one of them accomplishes something big. He’s lucky to have this group of friends who’ve become more of a family to him than his own feels like, sometimes.

They’re in Niall’s favorite bar tonight, just around the corner from his block of flats. It’s a local hangout, and he likes that nobody even looks twice at him or gives him any kind of special treatment; he's going to miss it once he's moved. He’s sat in a cozy corner chatting with Laura about the festivals she’s covered over the summer so far, and what it was like carrying the Olympic torch. She really has the coolest job, and if Niall weren’t so mad about Bressie, he’d probably follow her around like a lost puppy. 

They’re having an animated discussion about the time that Niall passed out in Laura’s kitchen, when Bressie walks over. Laura smiles at them both and says, “I think I’ll get another drink. You after wantin’ another, Horan?” Niall just shakes his head no, because he’s been nursing the same drink for about an hour. Laura ruffles his hair a bit, and leaves them to it.

Bressie takes the seat beside him and looks around the room. He’s quiet for a minute or two, taking a pull from his beer before glancing back over at Niall. “How’ve you been, chief?” The familiar nickname sets Niall at ease. 

“Been pretty great, so." He chuckles, taking a sip from his own pint. “A bit busy, for break time, but that’s the way of it, I s’pose.” Bressie nods in response, eyeing Niall in a way that makes him feel raw and laid bare. 

“I was worried for a time ,” Bressie shares. “Thought that you might be avoiding me, like. When you first came back from the tour, I dunno. I was after thinking you were mad at me for something, and I couldn’t figure out why.”

Niall tenses up, feels hot all over, because Bressie’s a bit too close to the truth of it. “I wasn’t avoiding you,” he says carefully. “Not really. I just...needed some time to get my head sorted, is all.”

“What, the job? I know it’s mad, traveling around the world and that. You want to share it with your family and them back home, but they don't really get it, not unless they're out there with you. But Niall, you can always talk to me about things, especially if you’re feeling out of sorts.” Bressie has his worried face on, and Niall hates that. It makes something in his chest ache. He wishes he could figure out a way to stop feeling like this.

“I mean. That’s part of it,” he answers. He’s not sure how to make Bressie understand without revealing too much. “I’m just trying to sort out who I am, you know? What I want, and such. I guess I was feeling confused for a bit, and I needed some time inside m’own head to get it sorted. But it’s all good now.” 

It’s not. Not really, but he can’t tell Bressie that. He thinks that Eoghan knows, but Niall doesn’t really want to have that talk again, either. 

Bressie looks at him like it hurts, like he’s trying to look warm and fond and friendly, but he can’t quite get it right. He reaches over and gives the back of Niall’s neck a gentle squeeze, and then pulls his hand back and crosses his arms over his chest. Niall’s skin burns where Bressie touched him.

“I just want you sound, chief. I want for you to be _happy_ , whatever it takes.”

Niall forces a smile, knowing that it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I know, Head. Thanks.”

**

Things go back to normal; as normal as they can be, anyway. Niall makes a concerted effort to not let his feelings get in the way of his friendship with Bressie. He calls him to chat a couple of times, and even invites him around for a barbecue with the boys from 1D’s backing band. It’s nice to just hang out and joke around with him, especially when Eoghan’s not there sending knowing looks in Niall’s direction.

Niall’s got passes for VFest a couple of weeks after the Olympics end. He was planning to tag along with Louis and Liam, but they’re both bringing their girlfriends, and there’s nothing Niall hates more than being the fifth wheel. He’d tried to convince Harry to go, but he’d had a row with Louis at the end of tour and insists he's still licking his wounds. Niall suspects it has more to do with Harry’s crush on Nick Grimshaw and how much time they've been spending together lately, considering that he’d been fine with Louis just a week ago. 

He decides to ask Brez and Eoghan along, since Willie’s already going, and manages to scrounge up a couple more passes from their record label. Laura and a couple of her mates will be there for work and some fun, as well as a couple of Eoghan's friends from home. Niall's actually looking forward to it. 

The day of is a blast. Niall's just this side of tipsy, a pleasant buzz under his skin that makes him feel freer than he has in a while. Even with his dodgy knee, he spends a good part of the afternoon singing and dancing and having a great time. The music is good and he's spending time with some of his favorite people. There's no place on earth he'd rather be right now.

They’ve both been on the lash, is the thing, which isn’t all that unusual. What is unusual is that Bressie’s given up a bit of the careful control that Niall has come to associate with him. Bressie always has a fairly tight reign on his feelings and his behavior. He’s normally the one keeping everyone else out of trouble in times like these. Niall’s not really sure why Bressie’s chosen this day to let go a little, but he’s not really in any position to complain about it. Not with the way Bressie’s kept an arm around Niall’s shoulders all night. Not when his friendly touches and whispers have turned into something that feels like _more_ , or the promise of it. 

They’ve been surrounded by people all day, and Niall just wants a few minutes alone with Bressie to ask him what it all means. He tells the others that his knee is acting up, which isn’t a complete lie after standing on it all day long. He manages to convince them that they should stay and enjoy the show. He’ll send the car back for them. Bressie offers to see Niall home and make sure he’s safe and sound. He doesn’t miss the look of concern on Eoghan's face; it’s been there all day, after all. He’s the only one who knows the truth about Niall’s feelings, so maybe his worries are valid. But there’s nothing to be done for it now.

They don’t say a word in the car on the way back to Niall’s flat. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but the tension is so thick in the distance between them, Niall’s not sure if he could touch Bressie even if he were to reach out. He’s just drunk enough that the drive seems to pass very quickly, and he thanks Baz when they say goodbye in the drive, making sure he knows to take the others wherever they want to go at the end of the night. 

Bressie hovers closely at his back while Niall fumbles with his keys. Niall can feel the heat of him even though they’re not touching, and it sends a flash of nerves through his system. His skin pebbles with anticipation when his key finally catches in the lock, and he lets out a breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding in. Niall pushes the door open and doesn’t wait for Bressie to follow, just moves into the entry and drops his keys on the little table he keeps there. He hears the door click closed, but doesn’t turn around. He takes off his denim jacket and hangs it carefully in the closet, acutely aware of Bressie’s eyes on his every move. 

When Niall finally turns to look at him, he’s taken aback by how stricken Bressie looks. He’s leaning against the door with his head in his hands, and when Niall goes to step toward him, Bressie puts out a hand to stop him. “I think maybe I should go,” he says. 

His voice is gruff, and Niall can only ask, “Why would you want to do that?”

Bressie laughs, humourless, and answers, “Because I've no idea what in feck I’m doing, Niall.”

“I think,” Niall says, moving towards him. “I think that maybe you’re after thinking too much, so. That big noggin of yours is likely to explode one of these days.” Bressie stares at him, his jaw clenching and his arms crossed defensively over his chest. It’s a move Niall has become familiar with over the last few months. One he’s seen anytime he’s too close to showing Bressie his true feelings. It should hurt more, he thinks. But he recognizes it for what it is. 

“You’ve no need to protect me, Brez.”

Bressie sighs and scrubs a hand over his face. “Maybe you’re not the one I’m trying to protect, chief.” He’s so quiet when he says it that Niall almost doesn’t hear him. But it’s there between them, and he can’t forget it. 

He takes two steps forward and puts a hand on Bressie’s arm, let’s it slide up and across his chest until it’s resting over his heart. His shirt is damp under Niall’s palm and his heart is pounding. “You gonna have an episode if I try and kiss yeh?” It’s a valid concern, Niall thinks. Bressie’s had panic attacks in the past over less, he knows. It’s something they share and understand about each other, something that binds them together. 

Bressie loosens his grip a fraction and twists his hands together. “Might do,” he whispers. Niall goes for it anyway.

He presses up on tiptoes and wraps a hand around the back of Bressie’s neck, pulling him down until their lips meet. He’s never quite gotten over how much bigger Bressie is than him, all six-foot-six-inches of him towering over Niall and making him feel so small in comparison. It works though, makes Niall feel hot all over. 

He whines unashamedly when Bressie pulls him in with one hand on his waist and one at his back. Niall slides his tongue into Bressie’s mouth; he can still taste the Guinness they drank earlier, and his head is spinning. Bressie opens easily for him, pushes back and takes control. Before Niall even realizes, Bressie’s spun them around and he’s grabbing at Niall’s thighs, hoisting him up and pressing him back against the door. He has one of his thick thighs wedged between Niall’s, and it feels so good that he can barely breathe. 

Bressie’s got their foreheads pressed together as he tries to catch his breath and says, “God help me, but I want you. I want you so bad, I’m burning." Niall can feel the hard line of Bressie’s cock against his thigh, and he’s more than certain that he’s never been more turned on in his life.

He wraps his legs around Bressie's hips as he chases Bressie's tongue in his mouth, stopping only to mumble 'my room' against his lips. Bressie's got one hand under Niall's bum now, the other tangled in his hair. He fumbles his way across the room and nearly trips more than once. Niall clings to him as tightly as he can, still a little loose limbed from all the pints he’d had at the festival. 

They manage to make it to the hallway before Niall slides to the floor. He’s barely got his feet planted before Bressie’s pushing him back against the wall and sucking a bruise into the side of his neck. Niall moans softly, his hands fisted in Bressie’s shirt where he’s trying fruitlessly to get it off. He palms Bressie’s cock through his jeans and says, “We’re three steps from me bedroom, head. Don’t know about you, but I’d really like to get you out of these clothes right now.”

Bressie drops his head to Niall’s shoulder and groans. “Yes. _Fuck_.”

Niall ducks around Bressie and moves quickly to his bedroom. When he turns to close the door behind them, Bressie’s already stripping his shirt over his head, and Niall goes momentarily breathless. It’s not like he’s never seen Bressie half dressed before, just not like this. Not when he can touch, when he can put a hand out and explore every inch of defined muscle and tattooed skin. 

Bressie takes two steps toward him, reaches out a hand and pulls him in by the waist. Niall’s breath catches when Bressie tugs the button free on his jeans. He nearly stops breathing when Brez slides one of his big hands inside, palming Niall’s arse through the thin cotton of his briefs. He feels hot all over, like Bressie’s somehow lighting him up from the inside. It’s everything Niall’s been wanting for so long, and trying at the same time not to think about. 

He takes a half step back out of Bressie’s reach, and in one less than graceful move, pushes his jeans and pants down around his ankles. Bressie releases a shaky breath as he watches Niall kick them away, and then he’s tugging off his own boots and trousers. Once he’s down to just his briefs, he swoops back in, picking Niall up by the thighs like he had before in the entryway, and drops him down onto the bed.

Niall moans when Bressie crawls up and settles between his legs, letting Niall feel most of his weight where he’s got him pinned down by his hips. He can’t help but rut up against Bressie’s belly, the heat of him overwhelming. The rough rasp of manly fur that covers his stomach is sticky from Niall’s drooling cock, and it makes him feel frantic and needy in a way he never really has before. 

“You going to fuck me?” Niall asks, suddenly brave. 

“Might,” Bressie answers with a breathy chuckle. “It’s just you feel so small in my hands, afraid I might break yeh if I get too rough.”

Niall laughs right back. “It’s not that I’m small, yeh fecker. You’re just a big, hulking beast, is all.”

“S’that right?”

“It is,” Niall says, thrusting his hips so that their cocks slide together. 

Bressie drops his head to Niall’s chest, laving and biting at one of his nipples. Niall gasps at the sensation as heat floods through his groin. Bressie looks up and meets his eyes, his grin soft but heated. "There's so many things I want to do to yeh right now, not sure I could pick just one."

Niall moans as Bressie teases his fingers over his cock, whimpering when he pulls away to fumble through the bedside drawer. 

It seems like no time at all and Bressie has him stretched out on two fingers, teasing a third as Niall writhes against the sheets. He's been mouthing at Niall's cock, just enough to tease him right to the edge, easing off when the urge to come is nearly too much. 

Bressie's brilliant, and it's a good thing Niall's so consumed that his brain can't think about where he learned to do this. He doesn't want or need to know. He just wants to come, wants this feeling to last forever.

He whines, needy, when Bressie sucks one of Niall's nuts into his mouth. Gets even louder when Bressie works his way down until he's licking between where he's got his fingers knuckle deep in Niall's arse. His orgasm catches him off guard, just the hint of Bressie wanting to do something that dirty to him sending him careening over the edge.

Niall's vision whites out, and he's not even aware he's making noise at first. But he starts to come around when he feels Bressie push his knees up to his shoulders, leaving him bared open. Niall's breathing out a steady stream of _Bressie, fuck, so good_ that he has no control over. The words just keep coming as Bressie spreads Niall's arse cheeks apart with his big palms and digs his fingers in, just as he sets to work on Niall's hole with his lips and tongue.

He thinks maybe he's sobbing, but to be honest, he's never felt anything like this before. He's just barely finished having an orgasm, but his dick's not even had a chance to go soft. Bressie's mouth feels so good against his sensitive skin, he's already aching with the need to come again. And Bressie's hungry for it, eating Niall out like he's been desperate to get a taste. It's not something Niall had ever considered, having someone lick his arse, and it's more than he could have ever imagined. He can feel the tears on his cheeks when Bressie wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before wrapping it around both of their cocks, leaning in and licking into Niall's mouth. 

It's too much. "Bress," he gasps. "Fuck, Brez I'm gonna -"

He cries out when it hits him, so strong it almost hurts in its intensity. Niall's whole body is still shaking when he feels Bressie come, warm and wet across his stomach and chest. 

Bressie collapses on the bed beside him, pulling Niall close and kissing him sloppily as he tries to soothe him. Niall hadn't even realized he was actually crying, whimpering out loud, and Bressie's stroking his cheeks, kissing him softer now as he tries to bring Niall back to himself.

"I'm fine, I am," he manages, still breathless. "I'm grand, Bres. Was just intense."

"Yeah," Bressie answers. "You’re good." He waits until Niall's stopped shaking to go fetch a warm cloth from the bathroom, and cleans Niall up carefully. He crawls back into the bed beside Niall and pulls the blankets up over them, drawing Niall in with an arm to his chest.

Niall wonders, as he drifts off to sleep with his head resting on Bressie’s chest, if this is something he gets to have now. If they could do this again. If Bressie might want to keep Niall for his own.

When Niall wakes the next morning, his bed is empty. 

**

He gets a text two days after that just says _I'm sorry_. It pisses him off enough that he rings Bressie back straight away.

"Sure, what are you after being sorry about?" he barks out before Bressie's even had a chance to say hello.

He can hear Bressie huff out a breath on the other end of the line. He pauses for a moment, and then, "For what happened the other night. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that."

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Niall moans. "The only thing you should feel sorry for is leaving without saying you were. Contrary to popular belief, I'm a grown fucking man who's perfectly able to choose who he gets off with."

Bressie sighs. "I know you are, Nialler. It's just. I don't do that, the shift and drift thing, I mean. It's never been my thing. It's not good for me."

"So," Niall answers, his breath catching little bit as he tries to choose his words carefully. "It won't happen again. It doesn't have to be weird, Brez. Just two mates helping each other out."

"Right."

Niall swallows around the lump in his throat and tries to pretend his heart isn't crumbling in his chest. "We're still mates, right?"

"Always, Niall. I promise."

They say goodbye, and he's left wondering just how badly he's fucked things up this time.

**

It takes a while, but things start to feel more normal between them. Bressie shows up for drinks and dinner with the LIC on Niall’s nineteenth birthday. The band is just back from winning three VMAs from MTV in Los Angeles, and Niall is still riding the high of that feeling. 

Bressie can’t quite meet his eyes at first, but Niall doesn’t mention it. By the end of the evening, and after several rounds of Guinness, he’s congratulating Niall on his band’s wins, and telling him how proud he is. The praise makes Niall’s heart swell a little, of course it does. He thinks maybe the two of them can recover from what happened between them, but he's not sure his heart will ever let him really move on.

He tries, though. 

Niall starts seeing Amy in early October, shortly after he's moved into his new house in Hampstead. They've been friends since primary school, which should make it weird, but she's so much fun to be around. She's doing an internship in London for a few months, and it's just easy to fall into a routine; drinks with Willie and his new girl, afternoons watching footy and barbecuing in Niall's back garden. It's like hanging out with Laura and the boys, except he's getting laid on the regular. It's nice.

She doesn't make his heart race, though. Not the way just being around Bressie does. He thinks maybe she knows, in a way. When he invites her to fly over for the Madison Square Garden show, she politely declines. He understands, even though the rest of the girlfriends will be there, even Taylor, who's got to be in Nashville the day after. It'll give him more time with his mum, though, and that's not a bad thing. 

It's not until he's ready to go back to Ireland for Christmas that Amy breaks things off. At least she's kind about it. 

"I don't know who it is that owns your heart, Niall, but it's not me. It's been good fun though, yeah?"

She kisses him goodbye with the promise that they'll still be friends. 

**

Between touring and filming for the movie, Niall's busier than ever. The tour has barely started, and they're already writing and recording for the next album. There are some days when Niall can barely remember what city they're in. He loves it though, even now when it's bigger and crazier than he ever imagined it would be. The crowds are great and he's had quite a few friends come out to see the shows in the UK and Europe. It's hard to feel lonely when you're surrounded by friends and family all the time.

He does sometimes, though, late at night when he's alone and scrolling through his twitter feed. There are nights when he'll read Bressie's tweets and wish they could just go out for a pint. On some nights he imagines what it would be like if he were older, if he wasn't in a world famous boyband. Wonders what it would take for Bressie to see him as something other than just a friend who he hooked up with once. It's no help though. It only makes the ache in his bones feel deeper.

Still, he carries on. The Take Me Home Tour heads to North America, and Niall’s life goes along with it. They play forty-one shows throughout the United States, Canada, and their first ever headlining show in a stadium in Mexico to kick it all off. The schedule is grueling, and they hit a few rough patches along the way. Harry and Zayn are bickering more than usual, and Louis keeps putting himself in the middle of their arguments. It leads to a ten city stretch where Harry rides on the crew bus and spends all his nights inside the hotels, just to avoid another row. Louis tries his hardest to play peacekeeper, which mostly means keeping Zayn stoned whenever they’re not doing interviews or on stage. 

They make up in time for the last week of shows, and the three nights they play at the Staples Center in LA are some of the best shows they’ve ever done. That also happens to be right around the time that Liam introduces everyone to his new girlfriend, Sophia, who he’s somehow kept hidden from the rest of them for nearly three months. She’s a great girl, an old friend from back home apparently, and Liam is happier than Niall’s seen him since well before he and Dani split. He envies the two of them, if he’s honest. Niall’s not sure he’s ever looked at someone he’s dated with as much affection as Liam and Sophia look at each other. That’s the hardest part, he thinks, of wanting someone who doesn’t want you back. He’s surrounded by happy couples, a constant reminder of all the things he can’t have. 

It’s not like he’s a saint, though, waiting at home for something that’ll never come. He knows people, people he can trust to hook up with that aren’t going to sell him to the papers. Niall knows how lucky he is to have the life he does, and he’s not just going to let opportunity go to waste because he can’t have the person he wants. It’s like that song, _If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with_. And it turns out there’s quite a few people out there who want to be with Niall, even if it’s only for a night. 

They’re all back in London for the movie premiere in August, when Zayn announces that he’s asked Perrie to marry him. It’s a bit of a surprise, because they’ve only been dating for just more than a year, and Niall had always thought their relationship was a little more ‘open’ than what he himself would expect from that type of commitment. He’s not one to judge, though, and they both seem really happy. He’d always kind of thought that Louis and El would be the first to get married, if he’s honest, but neither of them seem quite ready to take that next step. 

He tries to imagine himself in Zayn’s position, of loving someone enough to want to spend the rest of his life with them. He can’t, really, except for one brief moment when Bressie’s face flashes in his mind. It’s best not to let his thoughts head in that direction.

They've remained close, though; Niall counts Bressie as one of his closest mates, even if he can’t be one hundred percent honest with him. He knows Bressie’s been dating, because Eoghan has a big fecking mouth, even though he knows how Niall feels. They’ve talked about it more than Niall would like. He’s heard far too many times about whatever bloke or bird Bressie’s been out with, and he’s secretly thankful that none of them seem to stick. He’d feel bad about it, but he can’t really be bothered.

Niall’s invited them all to the premiere after party. It shouldn’t feel strange, having all of the LIC there alongside his family and his boys, but it does. That part of his life is so separate from his work. It’s unintentional, but Niall supposes it must be that way for all the boys, forging friendships outside of the band as they grow older. It’s natural. He hasn’t told any of them about the Bressie thing, though. He’s not sure if that’s something he _should_ tell them about. Harry's the only one who even knows that Niall's not entirely straight. How do you tell your work mates/brothers that you’re kind of in love with your friend who’s thirteen years older than you, and oh yeah, you also hooked up with him that one time. Niall’s not the kind of guy to pour his heart out like that.

There’s so many people at the party that Niall doesn’t really get a chance to talk to Bressie at all. He catches his eye across the room a few times, but there’s folks that Niall is expected to talk to, and by the time he’s made his way round the room, everyone is calling it a night. 

Bressie hugs him a little tighter and longer than what could be considered casual, but Niall’s not complaining. “I’m here for a few days, head. We should grab a pint, if ya’d like.”

“Can’t, chief. I’m headed out day after tomorrow for Dublin. I’ve got that half marathon next week and I need a few days there ahead of it. I’ll be back here for a few days after that, though. What’ve you got coming up?”

Niall sighs and scrubs a hand over his face. His heart sinks, knowing that it’ll probably be months before he sees Bressie’s face again. It shouldn’t hurt so much, he thinks. “New York for the premiere there, then LA to shoot a video. From there I’m headed straight to Australia; promised Deo a quick visit before the tour picks up there. Won’t be back around here until November, I think.”

He might be imagining the sad look in Bressie’s eyes, but Niall fights not to read anything into it. 

“Well then,” Bressie replies. “Don’t forget me you hear? I’ll be holding you to that pint when you’re back this way again.”

Eoghan comes over then, clapping Niall on the back. “Don’t worry, Nialler. Laura and I will take you on a proper piss up before you leave us again. C’mon, Brez. I need you to take my stupid arse home.”

Niall hugs them each one more time, and gives Laura a chaste kiss on the cheek before waving them off.


	2. Chapter 2

_Wanted to ask if we could have been_  
_But my tongue wouldn't break the seal_  
_You always had something effortless_  
_At school you were the biggest deal_  
_Little quirks close and open up_  
_Time is slipping by_  
_Always thinking 'bout the two of us_  
_Replay on my mind_  
_Always playing on my mind_  


 

Bressie shows up at Niall's door and stays for a week after Niall's had his surgery. He'd spent his first couple of weeks in a bit of a drug induced haze, but he's well enough to be home in London now. He's a bit surprised to see Bressie, to be honest. They've not really seen each other since the movie premiere in August. Niall's literally been around the world and back again since then; he's got no idea, really, what's been happening in Bressie's life.

Bressie's not offering much information. He's razor focused on Niall, tagging along to physio and doctor's appointments, wanting to know every detail of Niall's recovery. It's a bit unnerving actually. Aside from that, though, things have been light and easy between them like they haven’t felt in ages. He lets himself wonder, for a brief moment, if maybe he's really over his feelings for Bressie. But, considering the way watching Bressie do something as simple as putting away groceries makes Niall's heart stutter, he doesn't think it's very likely.

No, it could be Bressie who's different. Happier, less moody; freer with his affection than he's been since Niall was eighteen and virtually harmless. 

He watches Bressie closely, trying to piece the bits together, but part of the puzzle is missing.

They're in Niall's home gym on Bressie's fourth day in the house. Niall doesn't have physio today, but he's got permission from Sarah, his therapist, to have Bressie help him with upper body work. They've been laughing and joking around all morning, and hit hits Niall, how much he's missed this, missed his friend.

Of course Niall has to go and muck it all up by kissing him.

It happens after they're done with their workout. It starts innocently enough, with Bressie helping Niall get back to his room so that he can shower and change. They've got a plastic patio chair set up in his shower so that he can manage to clean himself without help. It's been a godsend, to be honest. Having his dad or Willie, or especially his mam, help him to shower had been a bit embarrassing once he wasn't so numbed up on pain pills. He's always been stubbornly independent, and this whole ordeal with his surgery has only proved that point.

Bressie's careful with him, which isn't unusual. But when Niall comes hobbling out of the bathroom in just a towel, Bressie goes red and looks away quickly. Niall catalogues it for later, wanting to keep things light, but he can't help the way his heart races when he sits beside Bressie on the bed, fumbling to pull his joggers on over his knee brace. Bressie slides down onto the floor to help him get the cuff over the edge of the brace, and Niall's suddenly breathless with want. It feels completely natural to lean in, cradling Bressie's skull in his hands as he presses their lips together. 

It's a matter of seconds before Bressie takes Niall by the shoulders and gently pushes him away. " _Niall,_ " he says. "I can't."

"But...I thought. You've not left here other than to shop or take me to physio in nearly a week." Niall's head is spinning a bit, confused and a little bit hurt. "I guess I got it mixed up."

"I'm seeing someone."

And that's. Well. That hurts, a bit. He's known all along that Bressie's been out with people, so has Niall. But if Bressie's telling him this, then it must be serious, or at least have the promise of it.

"Her names Roz. Rosanna. We've been seeing each other for a few weeks, and I really like her." Bressie's so earnest, trying to make Niall understand. Like its not Niall's fault, it's just that Bressie's found someone else. It stings, but Niall's not about to let Bressie know that.

"Story, mate. You could have told me about her."

Bressie sighs, sitting back on his heels and scrubbing a hand over his face like he's frustrated. "Been trying all week, but I couldn't figure out how to bring it up." It's telling, that Bressie's been afraid to say anything, that he felt awkward about it. He must know that Niall's still hung up on him, if he's being that careful with Niall's feelings.

Niall brushes it off, telling him, "Seriously, head. I've been cooped up for near a month, and I haven't pulled in ages. I was bound to have a go at someone eventually. It’s glad I am t’was you and not Willie or one of the boys." He laughs, hoping it's enough to convince Bressie that he's fine. 

He lies awake in his bed for hours that night, decidedly not thinking about the way Bressie had kissed him back, just before he'd pushed Niall away.

**

The video of Zayn and Louis in Brazil goes viral in a matter of hours, all the major media outlets picking up on it almost immediately. Niall's so angry at both of them for being so careless, but he can't _say_ that to anyone outside the band, because they're supposed to be showing a united front; don't address it, stay off Twitter, etc. It's so frustrating and Niall just needs to vent to someone.

He calls Bressie. Christ, he's not even sure what time it is back home, but he picks up on the second ring.

"You okay, chief?" he asks, in lieu of a greeting. 

"Nope," he answers. "Fecking bullin’." It's only the half of it, and he reckons Bressie knows that before Niall's even told him.

"Yeah, I saw the papers today. You want to talk about it?"

And that's the thing, is that even after everything, Bressie understands him better than just about anyone else. He lets Niall go on for the better part of an hour, verbally dumping on him every single shit thing that's happened so far on tour, ending with Louis and Zayn doing the dumbest possible thing they could do.

"It'll blow over," Bressie says when Niall's finally finished. "It might not seem like it now, but it will sort itself out."

Niall sighs. "That's the thing, though. I'm not sure it will. Zayn's been weird, distant. Louis keeps trying to pull him back in, and then shit like this happens. I'm afraid of what's gonna happen next, if I'm honest."

"Listen," Bressie says, his voice gone soft and soothing. It makes Niall miss home. "Just take it day to day, yeah? You can't force people to change. You just have to try and be supportive, because they're both obviously going through something. Just be there for them, chief. At the end of the day, they're still your boys."

Bressie's right, he's always right. 

**

Niall's met Roz a couple of times, but it still doesn't prepare him to see her wrapped in Bressie's arms when he walks into the backstage green room. It's their first night of three sold out shows at Croke Park, something Niall had only ever dreamed of, and he's been so excited for this. There's sixty thousand people out there who've come to see Niall's band play, to welcome him home. He's invited all of his friends to sit in the VIP box, he just hadn't considered that Bressie would bring his girlfriend, even though Niall had made sure both of their names were on the list. 

The thing is, Niall really likes her. Roz is whip smart, and she's funny. She compliments Bressie's more reserved, self-deprecating charm. They _fit_ , and it makes Niall's chest ache, the crack in his heart growing more pronounced every time he sees them together. But he's not shying away from it; he's hoping it will start to heal over eventually and not hurt quite so much. 

For now, Niall gives them both a hug and shows them around the backstage area, even though Bressie's pretty familiar with the set up, having toured himself for so long. When it's time for him to go in for hair and makeup, he sends them off with Basil. Most of their regular guests watch from side stage or from the barricade, but Niall kind of hopes Bressie and Roz will choose to stay in VIP with Niall's family. This show will be emotional enough for Niall without having to see Bressie's face every time he struts down to the B stage.

**

Zayn never showed up for the flight to Orlando. Paul put the rest of them on their private jet and sent them on their way, like it was business as usual. The official statement is that Zayn is ill, and will be rejoining them for promo as soon as possible. Niall's not sure what's going to happen, and it feels like they've all been on the edge of a cliff for months. 

Niall's been dangerously close to a panic attack ever since Paul told them Zayn wasn't coming. The other boys work out a strategy for their tv appearance the next morning, but Niall can't focus. The first thing he does when they've checked into their hotel is lock himself in his room and call Bressie.

He’s been trying not to rely on him quite so much, to deal with this kind of thing on his own. He's twenty-one years old now, no longer that naive kid who'd needed Bressie to help him keep his head on straight. For the most part, Niall's been okay, but he's feeling really unsettled and he needs to talk it out with someone impartial.

He dials Bressie's number with shaking hands. It rings a few times, and then goes to voicemail. Bressie's never not answered Niall's calls. There's a beep on the other end, prompting him to leave a message. 

"Hey, big face," he starts. "Sorry to bother you like this. I just. Things are a bit shit right now, and I suppose, well. I reckon I just wanted to hear a friendly voice. Hope you're grand. Bye."

Niall tries to remember the last time they actually talked, when they were both in the same place at the same time. Bressie had made an appearance at Niall's London birthday party in September, but other than that, Niall hasn't laid eyes on him since the springtime. He could probably count the number of texts they'd exchanged in the last few weeks on one hand. 

It makes him feel empty, thinking about how far off track they are. Niall never wants to be one of those people who leaves their friends behind. He hopes Bressie doesn't think of him that way.

He ends up seeking Harry out, suddenly desperate in his need for a good cuddle. Harry's always up for that, and he's kind enough not to pry when Niall says he doesn't want to talk about it.

**

Zayn shows up in time for the taping Tuesday night, but he's missed all of their other scheduled events. Niall's not really said anything to him, because he's still kind of angry that they had to cover for him. He can't shake this irritated feeling; it makes him want to lash out, and he's trying hard to be professional because they still have a job to do. 

At least Liam's happy, so glad that Zayn's here with them, and Louis seems a lot less tense today. He thinks maybe Harry's a bit angry too, but he's refusing to show any emotion when he thinks anyone might be looking. They've got about an hour before they have to be onstage, and Niall, for the first time he can ever remember, would rather be just about anywhere else. 

This was supposed to be so huge for them, the release of their fourth album. And it's an incredible album, in Niall's opinion; they deserve to be proud. It feels tainted now, somehow. 

They all manage to pull it together for the taping, though, which shouldn't be a surprise. After all, they've all been trained to leave their personal shit behind when they step on the stage. They're much more professional than they've ever been given credit for.

Niall's relieved when the taping is finished and he's finally in a car on the way back to the hotel. He checks his phone and finds a missed call and a text message from Bressie. 

_Sorry I missed your call. Do you still want to bend m’ear?_

He waits until he's back in his room to make the call. They talk for over an hour about nothing special at all; it's the best thing that's happened to Niall all week, and he maybe feels a little less adrift.

**

It's possible Niall hadn't really thought it through when he'd accepted Bressie's invitation to dinner. 

Realistically, he'd known what to expect, but having it directly in his face for three and a half hours was more difficult than he'd expected. Bressie is happy. Roz _makes_ him happy and he loves her, and Niall...Niall is never going to be on the receiving end of that look. The look that says _you know my secrets and I know yours_. The one that makes everyone else in the room feel like they're intruding on something private. That look in Bressie's eyes belongs solely to the girl with the long brown hair who used to be a beauty queen, the one who stole his heart, and Niall's along with it. 

He puts a smile on his face, and somehow manages to make it through dinner without getting drunk or excusing himself to the bathroom to cry his eyes out. He won't let himself turn into that person. He's already spent too many hours pining for something that never belonged to him. 

All he can do now is force himself to move on, knowing that Bressie's found someone that will take care of his heart. His happiness is all Niall ever really wanted anyways.

**

Niall heads to Australia straight after the holidays. He doesn’t need to be there for another month -- Lord knows the others won’t show up until the very last minute -- but Niall needs to put as much distance between himself and Ireland as possible.

He just. He’d really thought he was okay with Bressie and Roz. But being around them, seeing Bressie’s family and the way they all love Roz. It hit him, finally, that Bressie’s never going to be an option for him. There’s not a happily ever after for Niall in this picture. 

It’s always a laugh, staying with Deo and his mates. It’s still summer here, and Niall plans to do nothing but go to the tennis, sit in the sun, and drink as many pints as he can manage. It’s maybe not his best plan, but it’s the only one he’s got. Besides, Deo’s friend Adam is hot, and it’s possible that he’s been flirting with Niall since the day he landed.

It only takes a week for them to hook up. Deo and his housemates are throwing a party on the beach. They’ve been sitting around the bonfire most of the night, when someone hands NIall a guitar and asks him to play. He’s had enough to drink that he doesn’t even hesitate. Niall laughs as he sings _Hotel California_ , nearly everyone joining in on the chorus.

When he looks up again from the guitar, Adam is staring at him with a wicked smile on his face. Without breaking eye contact with Niall, he stands and walks off toward the shore, only looking back once when Niall hits an off note. Niall finishes his song, the guys all cheering and hollering for another, but Niall puts down the guitar and excuses himself.

When he finally finds Adam, he’s wandered back to the house and is in the garden. Niall stops when Adam looks up at him, and says, “Hi.”

“Hello,” Adam says, chuckling. “Was hoping you’d follow me back.”

Niall smiles and lets out a sigh of relief. He walks over so that they’re standing face to face and then stops. He’s not done this in a while, pulled a bloke. He’s not actually hooked up with anyone in months, and it should worry him a little that he hadn’t even realized how long it’s been until just now. He tries to push those thoughts out of his head. 

“I remember you, from school,” Niall says. Adam had been a few years ahead in school, friends with Willie and his mates back then. He was well into the rugby, and Niall remembers being surprised that he'd not gone pro. “I ah, I may have been a bit moony over ya.”

“Yer lyin’,” Adam replies, grinning, and then, “I remember you, too. Your hair was darker then, though.” He laughs at the scowl on Niall’s face, grabbing him by the belt loop and pulling him close. “Come upstairs with me?”

Niall nods, closing his eyes and stepping in to press their lips together. When Adam leans in and whispers in Niall’s ear all the filthy things he wants to do with him, Niall absolutely does not let himself think about Bressie.

**

They get off together a few times over the next couple of weeks. Mostly just handies and rubbing off on each other. He just...Adam’s so different than Bressie. And Niall’s not fooled around with another bloke since Brez, so he can’t help comparing. He’s not kidding himself, though. He’ll probably always compare everyone he sleeps with to Bressie and the way he made Niall feel that night. Adam’s tall, but he’s not big like Bressie. He’s fun and flirty, and not nearly as serious as Bressie can be, and all of that is good. But Niall can’t stop thinking about how careful Bressie was with him, how he’d treated Niall with such reverence. How safe he’d felt, sleeping in Bressie’s arms. Maybe it’s because sex with Adam is simple, no strings attached; they definitely both know it’s just a bit of fun while Niall’s in town. It’s not something that’s meant to go anywhere, so they can just enjoy it for what it is.

It’s only a few days until tour starts, and Niall’s twitchy like he usually gets towards the end of a tour. He’s never felt like this at the beginning of one. He lets Adam fuck him that night, just wanting to shake this restless feeling that’s trapped in his bones. 

The next morning, he packs his duffle and checks into a hotel.

**

“Zayn’s going home,” Harry says to Niall, his eyes so serious that the wrinkle between them is standing out. 

“What the fuck does that mean?” he asks. “We’re in the middle of a fecking tour.” Niall can hear Louis yelling on the other side of the door just as Zayn pushes it open and walks out. He’s got his backpack slung over his shoulder and his leather jacket in hand. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days. Niall wonders how he hasn’t noticed. “What the fuck is going on?”

Harry pulls him aside and says, “Management has signed him off for stress. He’s going home for a bit.”

“But we’re meant to be in the Philippines in two days.” The room feels like it’s spinning around him, his world tipping upside down with no way for him to control it. “He’s coming back, right?”

Louis’ back, leaning against the wall and glaring at his phone as he taps out a text. “He fucking better,” he says. “Or I’ll never forgive him.”

**

Zayn doesn’t come back.

They find out via facetime right before soundcheck in Jakarta. The official statement will be released later that night, and Niall is so angry. Liam just keeps asking Zayn if he’s sure it’s what he really wants. Louis stormed off almost immediately, and Harry’s just sitting there, not saying anything or showing any type of emotion. Niall swears at the laptop screen and tells Zayn to fuck off. He wishes he was here so he could punch him, but he supposes if Zayn was _here_ , they wouldn’t be having this problem right now. 

He takes off in search of Louis, who has already been a bit of a loose cannon ever since he and El split up. He finds him just outside, lighting up a cigarette. Louis holds out the pack, an offer, and normally Niall wouldn’t before a show, but he thinks he deserves one today. Neither of them says anything, but once they’ve finished, Louis takes Niall by the arm and practically drags him back down the hall to the band dressing room. 

Liam’s on the sofa, curled in on himself a bit, but Harry’s draped over his shoulder, holding him tightly and murmuring in his ear. They both look up when Louis and Niall enter the room, and it’s obvious, even from here, that Liam’s been crying. 

“Right,” Louis says, sharp. “If anybody else wants out, you’d better say it now. But you should know, I’m in this. Til the end.” 

Harry stands up and walks over to where Louis is standing, looking him directly in the eye. “Me too, til the end.” They both look over at Niall, and he nods his head.

“Yeah. I’m in,” he says.

There’s only Liam left, and he’s watching them all from the sofa, his eyes wet with unshed tears. “You boys are my family,” he says, shaky. “I never would have been strong enough to do this without you, and I’m not going anywhere.” He gives them all a watery smile, and stands, joining them across the room. Harry pulls him in and kisses his temple, reaching for Niall and trying to pull them all into a group hug. 

When they go onstage later that evening, it’s to a crowd who’s not yet aware of the bomb that’s about to drop. Niall hopes that he and the boys are able to keep it together.

**

Niall goes back to Ireland. 

He’s only got a couple of days before he’s due to head to America to watch the golf, but he needs to go home first. He can’t shake off the last few weeks of tour. It had all been a complete pile of shit, with Zayn leaving, and Niall can’t seem to get his head on straight ever since. He needs to go camp out at his Da’s and hideout for a couple of nights, and then maybe he’ll be able to breathe again. 

He knows the other lads are in the same boat as he is, and they all have their own way of dealing with the difficult stuff. Harry’d headed straight for LA, and Liam had flown back to London, where Sophia would be waiting. Louis is spending two more days in Dubai with his family before heading back to deal with the aftermath of his breakup with Eleanor. It’s been hard on all of them, and they all have their own lives on top of everything else. He hasn’t spoken to Zayn since their facetime call when he’d told them all he wasn’t coming back. Niall’s not sure what there even is to say anymore.

Bobby’s still at work when Niall’s car pulls up at the old house, but there’s a key in the planter round back. He let’s himself in and gets settled in the upstairs bedroom where he usually sleeps when he’s here. He turns on the kettle in the kitchen, and goes to flip through the channels on the flat screen he bought his da for Christmas last year. There’s bound to be a match on, although he’s got his days and nights a bit mixed up right now. All he really knows is day after tomorrow, he’s due back in London to meet Mark for their trip to the States. 

When Bobby gets home around six pm, Niall’s halfway to having dinner on the table. They chat quietly while they eat. Niall fills Bobby in on what he has planned for the next couple of weeks until his writing sessions start again, and Bobby tells him the latest happenings in the ‘Gar. It’s easy in a way that most of Niall’s life isn’t anymore. It helps the restlessness he’s been feeling settle into his bones a bit, instead of constantly buzzing just beneath the surface of his skin. 

Niall decides to walk down to the pub after they’ve finished eating and cleaned the dishes. It’s balmy for this time of year, and he’s been trapped in hotel rooms for so long, a bit of fresh air seems like a good idea. His knee’s a little bit stiff, but that’s not unusual and doesn’t slow him down too much anymore. He recognizes the barkeep, Paul, right away, and finds an empty seat at the far end of the bar. It’s not too crowded tonight, but it’s midweek so it’s not surprising.

He’s three pulls into his second pint when he hears a shout go up behind him. “Brez, lad! Wondered if we’d see you at all while you’re in town. Your friend here couldn’t stay away either.” He motions to where Niall is sitting, and it shouldn’t feel so awkward, bumping into Bressie like this. But they haven’t really spoken in a while, have only exchanged the odd text message here and there since Christmas, when Niall had escaped to Australia and tried to put some distance between himself and Bressie’s happy life with Roz. It worked for a while, but Niall can never really rid himself of the old feelings. Bressie’s a part of him, just as sure as Mullingar will always be his home. He never really stood a chance.

“Hey chief,” Bressie says quietly, pulling up the stool beside Niall’s. “Didn’t know you were back home.”

“Yeah.” Niall sighs. There’s so much he could say, but he doesn’t even know where he would start. “Just needed a few days to me’self before things get mental again. Figured I’d come see Da was okay.”

Bressie takes a pull from his pint, licking his lips when he places it back on the bar top. Niall wishes he could stop himself from tracking the movement, but he’s never had much control when it comes to Brez. “Heard about Zayn leaving,” he says. “It’s shit.”

“It is shit,” Niall replies. He takes a deep breath and stares at his beer. He doesn't say how angry he still feels, or how he'd called Zayn a selfish prick when he left. He doesn't say how it's all a lie, what they're saying in the press. He's not sure where he and Bressie stand anymore. He'd like to confide in him, but things still feel off kilter between them. Instead, he shrugs and says, “He's happy, so.” 

Niall picks up his pint and drains the rest in one go. They sit in silence for a minute or two, and he can feel Bressie’s eyes on him. There was a time when he craved Bressie’s attention, but now it just leaves him feeling hollow. He’s not sure how to get them back to how they used to be. Maybe he never will.

“I should probably head back,” he says, dropping a couple of notes on the bar to cover his tab. “Da’s got to work in the mornin’ and I don’t want to be waking him up when I get in.” He pushes back from the bar and turns to walk away. Bressie's hand on his arm stops him.

"Niall," he says softly. "Can't we get past this? I miss talking to you." 

And the thing is, Niall knows he means it. Bressie's just that type of person, genuine and loyal to a fault. It's one of the things that Niall loves most about him. He wishes that his life didn't feel like such a mess right now, and that he could sort this out and pretend that a friendship with Bressie is enough for him. 

"Do you even know what 'this' is?" he asks, and then shakes his head. He pulls away from where Bressie's hand feels like a brand on his arm. He waves over his shoulder and makes his way out the door.

He should have known better than to think Bressie would leave it at that.

"For Christ's sake, Niall,” he calls, following Niall out into the deserted street. “Will ya just stop for a minute?" Niall stops in his tracks and sighs, but doesn't turn around. He doesn't want to do this right now, he's not sure he'll ever be ready. Bressie walks around so that he's standing right in front of Niall. He's all big and foreboding with his arms crossed tight over his strapping chest. "What did you mean, back there?" he asks.

Niall huffs out a humorless laugh and scrubs a hand over his face. "It's hard, Brez. It's too fecking hard for me to be around you right now." He can't quite look at Bressie, but suddenly there are words tumbling out of his mouth and he's too tired to try and stop himself.

"I used to wonder, ya know? If I wasn't who I am and both of our lives weren't so crazy..." He sighs, and then looks up and meets Bressie's eyes. "If circumstances were different, and you could stop seeing me as a kid and view me as your equal. If maybe then there would be a chance that you could love me the way I've loved yeh all this time."

Bressie gasps, his eyes going wide and then pained in the span of only a second or two. "Niall," he says roughly, reaching a hand out toward him. But Niall's said too much now to not keep going. 

He steps back out of Bressie's reach. "I was good, though. It was fine that ya didn't love me back so long as I could have you for my friend. But then Roz came along. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that you're happy, and Roz is amazing. But that doesn't mean it hurts any less to see you like that with someone that's not me."

Bressie's eyes are glassy like he's fighting back tears, and it's almost alarming. Niall's never seen him quite like this. Not even when he's gripped with the panic. Bressie sniffs and wipes a hand quickly across his face. "I don't know what to say to you."

"You don't have to say anything," Niall answers. "I just needed to tell ya. I'm not thick enough to sit around waiting for yeh. Lord knows I've had my fair bit of fun these last few years, regardless of what I was feeling. But if you ever wanted that, like, to be with me? For real, like. You could have me. Jesus, Brez, I'd want that with you. Can't imagine ever wanting it with anyone else."

Bressie takes a deep breath and shudders in the damp chill. "Things aren't great. With Roz, I mean." That's new information, but Niall files it away because he can't process it right now, and Bressie's still talking. "I've felt guilty for so long, about that night. With you. Felt like I took advantage of you, when I was supposed to be looking out for you."

Niall chuckles. "There's nothing you should feel guilty about, head," he replies. "Besides," he says instead. "I'm a big boy. Have you ever known me to not have m’head on me shoulders? I wouldn't have done it if I'd not wanted to, no matter how much drink was involved. I thought we'd settled that already?"

"Still," Bressie murmurs, looking away. 

"Ya can't blame yourself for how I feel, Brez. I don't blame you. And I never want to come between whatever it is you and Rozzie are going through." He sighs, scratching his fingers through the back of his hair where it's so long it's starting to curl just a bit. He doesn't know how to do this, how to cut the cord and not break himself in the process. He tries, though.

"I just think, at least for now, that it's better for me if you give me some distance to try and sort myself out."

Bressie crosses his arms back over his chest, his eyes boring into Niall's. "Are you -" he says, stopping and clearing his throat. "Is that really what you want?" He sounds hurt, but Niall can't fix that, can't take back any of what he's said tonight.

"Yeah, I. I think it's what I need."

Bressie doesn't say anything else, so Niall turns back towards his da's house. He's thankful to have a few minutes to try and clear his head.

**

Niall goes home to London, but only long enough to pack a couple of bags. He goes to America to caddy for Rory at the Masters for a few days, before flying _back_ to London for Liam’s charity event and a rugby match he’d scored tickets to months ago. He does his best to avoid all the press that Zayn's departure from the band has created. He spends time with Willie and Eoghan and Laura, and pretends not to notice that nobody ever mentions Bressie's absence.

It’s a relief when he has to head to LA to hit the studio with his boys. He’d been worried that it would feel strange recording without Zayn, but it’s easy with the four of them. What they’re doing feels important, like it’s even more important than ever to prove to the world that they want to be here. But mostly it’s just fun, like it hasn’t been for a bit now. In a way, Niall’s almost thankful to Zayn for leaving when he did, and lifting the weight that had been tying the rest of them down for the last few months. 

When they’re in Vegas for the BBMAs, Niall and Louis tag along with Ed to a party that Taylor Swift is hosting. Louis’ never been much of a fan, especially with all the hoopla that surrounded her and Harry both when they were dating and all that’s come after. Niall thinks it will be fun, though. Feels like he hasn’t had a proper night out since he’s been on US soil. 

He doesn’t love industry events, would normally rather be down at his neighborhood pub with Willie and his mates, or out on the golf course. But Niall has friends here, and it’s nice to see Ed and Calvin, and to catch up with Taylor, who he’s not had a chance to talk to since she and Harry split. It’s good, he thinks. Maybe being so far away from home is helping him to get some distance from everything, from Bressie, and letting him start to feel like himself again.

He gets a text just after midnight. _Saw you and the boys on the news this morning. G’won with the trophies, chief._

It shouldn’t affect him like it does. It’s not unusual for Brez to text him after an awards show or whatever big thing the band have done. It’s just. It’s the first time Niall’s heard from him at all since he left Mullingar all those weeks ago. He knows Bressie’s left him alone at Niall’s request, but just the idea that he’s so proud of Niall that he couldn’t not tell him, well. It makes his chest ache a bit.

He ends up sat in a corner by himself, the only spot he could find that’s quiet enough where he can hear himself think. He’s spent the better part of three years _actively_ trying to forget about Bressie. But how are you supposed to forget about someone who’s imprinted into your bones so deep that you can’t remember what life was like before you knew them? Maybe you never do, and isn’t that just a kick in the pants.

Louis finds him there a little later, hiding at the back of the booth, nursing a whisky and coke. 

“What’s this, then?” he asks, half smiling, half curious. “You’ve turned all broody on me, Niall. What is it that’s got you all serious all of a sudden?” He could lie, he thinks. None of the boys know about Bressie, not really. He’s tired, though. Tired of hiding, of pretending, of running away.

Instead, he passes his phone over to Louis so that he can read Bressie’s message, and says, “I’m in love with him.”

Louis smiles sadly. “I wondered about that. Does he not feel the same, then?”

Niall tells him everything. It’s like, once he starts, the words just start pouring out of him until there’s nothing left but the raw empty ache that’s been plaguing him for months. It feels good in way though, sharing it with someone who maybe understands how it feels. 

“I just,” Louis says, pausing. “I can’t believe you never said anything. Not even to Harry?” Niall shakes his head.

“He was so wrapped up in Grimmy back then, and I. I don’t know. I felt stupid, and so fecking naive, you know? I thought I’d get over it, in time.” It’s been three years and he can still remember the way Bressie’s lips had tasted, the way he’d shivered at Bressie’s touch. Niall has had girlfriends and one night stands. He’s travelled around the world and back again twice, and he’ll never get over the way Bressie’s sounded when he’d said he wanted Niall. 

Louis reaches out and pulls him into his side, wrapping and arm tight around Niall’s shoulder. “So what are you going to do now?”

“Don’t really know. I’ve asked him to let me be for a bit. This text tonight is the first I’ve heard of him since I was in Ireland. I don’t think I’m ready to talk to him.”

“Well,” Louis says. “You don’t have to make any decisions just yet. Give it some time, yeah?”

If there’s one thing Niall has in spades, it’s time.

**

Niall’s on a plane two days later, headed back to England to play in Rory’s tournament. It was probably a mistake not to fly out sooner, but he can’t change it now; he can only hope that jet lag doesn’t get the best of him. 

His first night back in his own bed, he gets a text from Eoghan that just says, _agreed to a five day cycling trip with Brez. Pray for me._ It makes him chuckle, but at the same time makes his chest go all tight. He's not heard from Bressie at all since his text the other night. It's fine, it's what he wanted, what he'd asked for. 

Niall sighs and sends a quick reply. _Don't expect me to sing at your funeral !_ Eoghan texts back a string of crying emojis, and then the golf emoji, followed by three thumbs up. About five minutes later, another text from Eoghan comes through.

_Brez and Roz broke things off. Thought you should know and lord knows B isn’t going to tell ya_

Niall scrubs a hand over his face. He sets the alarm on his phone because he has to be up arse early in the morning. He’s not sure if he’ll be able to sleep at all.

He doesn’t text back.

**

The tournament is fun, but Niall’s game is absolutely atrocious. It’s always a laugh, hanging with Rory, and they do a funny Q & A for Golf Digest. He’s ready for a few days of rest, though. 

He’s still not answered Bressie’s text from the other night, but what would he say? Bressie’s been camped out pretty exclusively in Ireland since opening the recording studio, and Niall knows he’s been training for the IronMan event that’s coming up in August. Then there’s the bit about him and Roz ending things. He’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel about it, to be honest.

Niall doesn’t go home for the marriage vote, but he’s so pleased to see that it’s passed. When Bressie tweets his support, he tries not to remember the look on his face when Niall’d told him that he’d wanted a future with him. It won’t do him any good to rehash those things again. Bressie hadn’t wanted him like that, and it’s way past time that he accept it and move on.

Harry invites him along to see Fleetwood Mac, but Niall declines. He’s not sure what, if anything, Louis told the others about their talk in Vegas, but Harry’s been texting him relentlessly since he got home, so something’s up. Niall’s not ready for Harry’s intense brand of concern. 

He ends up seeing Fleetwood the following night with Willie and Laura and a few of her friends. It’s fun, but it’s Laura, which is nearly as bad as if he’d been with Eoghann.

“Have you talked to Brez since he and Roz split up?” she asks, sipping from her glass of wine. 

“Nah. I was in America when it happened. Eoghan told me about it.” His voice sounds tight, even to his own ears. He can only imagine what Laura is thinking.

“Huh. I thought…” She doesn’t finish, just bites her lip and goes back to her drink.

“What?”

“Well,” she says. “I guess I was after wondering if him calling it off meant that the two of you had finally got your shit together.”

Niall sputters, coughing a bit from shock. “What is _that_ supposed to mean?”

Laura sighs and smiles at him, soft and tender. “It doesn’t take a genius to see the way you two look at each other, how you move around each other. Whenever you’re in the room, it’s like you’re the sun and Bressie’s orbiting around you. To be honest, I was shocked to find out he and Roz were dating in the first place. I really thought you and he were having some sort of secret fling.”

And that’s. Wow. Niall knows his own feelings are pretty obvious, no matter how hard he tries to pretend otherwise. He’d never considered that Bressie might look at him the same way, and how that would look from the outside.

In the end, though, it doesn’t really matter. “Right, well. He doesn’t think of me that way, so.”

"Not sure I believe that, but I'll leave it be for now." Laura's a good friend; she's the best at not pushing too far. Besides, if Bressie _had_ wanted something with Niall, wouldn't he have tried to get in touch by now? Niall thinks back to that one text, the one he'd never answered, and wonders if that might have been Bressie's way of testing the waters. 

He calls for a car. Best to get himself home and sleep it off before he lets his mind wander to things that aren't likely to happen.

**

Niall sees it on Twitter before he gets Eoghan's text; he's got them all set on alerts so that it won't get lost in his mentions when one of his friends tweets at him. 

_@nbrez: So after amazing few days in Scotland with @eoghanmcdermo I pushed my luck one step too far. Torn ligaments http://t.co/1IRoqwVJJJ_

The picture just shows Bressie's foot in a big black boot. It's followed by a series of tweets from both Bressie and Eoghan, some with pictures of Bressie laid up, icing his ankles. Niall can see from the pictures that he's in one piece, but it doesn't stop his heart from speeding up in his chest. He checks his texts quickly, and yeah, there's one from Eoghan last night. 

_Hey- you'll probably see online, but Brez busted himself up today. He's fine, but his ankles are fucked. Cutting the trip short._

_On the bright side, his mam's fair pissed that she's to take care of him for a few days!_

Niall looks at the time - half ten - and says _fuck it_ , dialing Eoghan's cell. "Knew you'd ring me," he says, and then more softly, "He's fine, Niall."

“He just...slipped. Landed the wrong way on his feet and dislocated both ankles. Doc said he’d be fine. He’s in a fair bit of pain, but he’s mostly mad he’ll miss the IronMan.”

"I just -"

"Hey," Eoghann says, stopping him before he has a chance to properly get going. "I promise you, okay? He was scared at first, but he's really going to be fine. He's already working out a rota with the physio."

Niall takes a deep breath and let's it out again. He can't get the image of Bressie, lying in a ravine, fuck knows where in Scotland, out of his head. His chest is tight and he feels like he's barely holding it together.

"You could call him," Eoghann says after a few moments with nothing from Niall. "Check in on him, yeah?"

"Yeah, maybe." Niall's got another show tomorrow, and he needs to try and sleep. He's not sure he'll be able.

**

Niall doesn't give it much thought, to be honest. He's got two days totally free between Cardiff and Vienna; he has the last flight out to Dublin Sunday night booked before he can second guess himself.

He calls Bressie's mam from the car to let her know he'll be by first thing. She's nice enough to not ask why he's coming; maybe she already knows. He can't imagine Brez telling her, though, he's so bloody private. Either way, she'll get a break from her son whining about not being able to get around well on his own.

She's dressed and waiting at the door when Niall's car pulls up at arse o'clock. She smiles and gives him a hug. "His da and I did a big shop the other day, so there's plenty in to eat if you feel like cooking. His sister will be by tomorrow evening, but maybe not before you have to leave for your plane."

"Thanks," he answers. "I'll take good care of him."

She pats him fondly on the cheek, eyeing him knowingly. "I'm sure you will, laddy. Call if he gives you any trouble."

He waves as she leaves, and then heads to the kitchen and sets to work on breakfast.

It's only about an hour later when Niall hears movement from down the hall. He's got a plate of bacon and sausages keeping warm in the oven, and a full fry-up nearly done on the hob. He's putting some bread in the toaster when Bressie comes around the corner, hobbling with his crutches.

"Ma, I told ye not to make - chief?" 

Niall picks up his spatula and gives a quick stir around the pan before turning the burner off. Once he's not in danger of burning down the kitchen, he lets himself turn to look at Bressie. Aside from the braces on both of his feet, he looks alright; his face is unshaven, and there are tired bruises under his eyes, but he's in one piece.

"What. Why are you here?" Bressie asks. He doesn't sound angry, just surprised. 

"S'not a big deal," he answers, turning back to the counter. The toaster's popped, so he starts buttering the slices to keep his hands busy. "Just thought I'd give your mam a break from your narky arse."

He can hear Bressie move closer, but he's afraid to look up and have to make eye contact. Instead, Niall reaches into the oven for the sausages and starts plating up their breakfast.

"I'm fine, Niall," Bressie says quietly from where he's now leaning against the wall.

"Yeah, well," Niall huffs. He slides both plates onto the little table in the corner and walks back to the coffee pot. He pours out two cups - just cream for him, and black for Bressie - and braces himself against the edge of the counter. Softly, he says, "Supposing I just needed to see it for meself."

**

It's mostly alright, being in Bressie's house. They don't talk much, though, and Bressie spends most of his time shuffling around behind Niall instead of resting like he should be. It makes him think of what Laura had said to him. He won't let himself dwell on it though. 

He cooks another big meal for dinner, trying to find ways to keep himself busy that don't involve any deep conversation. It feels strange. Normally, they'd order a takeaway, playing guitar and laughing the evening away between platefuls of curry and rice. Niall still can't figure out how to be around Bressie, not now he knows the truth. And any talking they might do could too easily lead back to their last conversation in Mullingar, which Niall's definitely not ready for. 

It was probably too much to expect to get through his two days without Bressie bringing it up. It's morning again, and Niall's folding up the load of washing Mandy had started the previous morning, when Bressie finally corners him.

"Why're you here, Niall?" Bressie rarely uses his given name, and it makes Niall tense up, his spine straight and a heavy ache building in his chest. 

"I told ye. Thought your mam needed a break, is all."

Bressie sighs and leans back against the wall, his crutches held tight to his chest. "So you said, yeah. But you're in the middle of a tour, chief. S'not like you to give up a couple of days on the golf course to come back to Ireland. Especially when you have so few days to yourself."

Niall doesn't respond. He can't. Bressie's not wrong, is the thing. It's unusual for him to come home unless he can stay for a week. Suddenly, his throat is tight and he feels hot all over. All he can hear is the rush of blood in his ears, and the faint sound of Foy Vance playing from his iPod on the folding table. "Talk to me," Bressie says softly. "I'm still your friend, Niall."

"That's the problem, though," Niall says, stumbling over the words as he clutches the edge of the table. "I’ve no idea how to be your friend anymore." He hears Bressie's breath catch, and it reminds him so much of the last time they spoke, Niall yelling at him on a street corner late at night, that it makes his head spin. 

"You said you needed space, Niall. I've tried hard to give you that, because it's what you asked of me. I've missed you, though. Missed hearing you larking on, just being around you. Please. Will you just turn around and look at me? You've barely given me a glance since you showed up yesterday." And God, if it were that easy. There's nothing Niall wants more than to look at Bressie; _really_ look at him and drink his fill. He aches for that.

Still, he doesn't turn. "I thought I could make it go away," he whispers, not sure if Bressie can really hear him, but unable to make his voice any louder. "I thought if I shut you out of my life, maybe I'd have a chance to get over you. But then I saw your tweet about the accident, and I lost it. I just. I needed to see for m’self that you were gonna be fine ."

He finally lets himself turn around and look Bressie in the face. He's so beautiful, it's like a vice around Niall's heart. "Can you understand at all," he asks, quiet but firm, his voice stronger and steadier than he feels on the inside. "Can you see what it costs me to be here? How much it hurts to just be in the same room with yeh? But I had to come, head. I couldn't not come and see yeh with me own eyes."

Niall makes to walk out the door, but Bressie grabs him by the arm as he passes, crutches forgotten as he pulls Niall close. He's got a hand on Niall's back, holding them together at the waist; the heat of it is seeping through his thin t-shirt, and he can feel the flush spreading from the point of contact, burning him up from the inside out. Neither of them says anything, not when Niall's breath speeds up, or when Bressie nudges at his cheek with his nose. Niall whines softly when Bressie's other hand comes up to his chin, turning his face up until their lips brush together. 

It's soft at first; tentative, like Bressie's not sure he's allowed. But then he's opening Niall's mouth with his own and sliding his tongue inside, like he belongs there. _He still tastes the same_ , Niall thinks, moaning when Bressie pulls him impossibly closer and starts sucking on his tongue, relentless. It's so good, too good. One kiss and he feels like he's drowning again. He can't let that happen.

He breaks the kiss with a firm hand to Bressie's chest and a pleading 'stop'. He takes a deep, shuddering breath and closes his eyes. "Please, just let me go." 

Bressie does. Niall doesn't look back as he walks out of the room.

**

They have a week off at the halfway point of the North American leg of tour, and for the first time in ages, Niall doesn't go back to England. Even though the others have all gone home - Harry to his mum's, and Liam and Louis for the charity ball - Niall just can't. Bressie's still in his heart and in his head; he can't stop thinking about the kiss and the way Bressie'd held him close. He's afraid if he doesn't keep himself away, that he'll end up in Bressie's bed. He'd never recover. 

Instead, Willie meets him in Florida, where they spend a few days watching the golf. Rory's back in for this tournament, even though he's not quite back to top form after his injury. It's fun to be sort of off the grid, having a chance for some time with his friends. Maybe that's all needed, that time to just recharge and relax. 

They meet up again with Rory and his mate Harry in Toronto. Niall's finished a show there and the rest of the boys have already gone back to Chicago. It's just like any other night out with his mates, pints and darts and that. The pictures that show up online the next day aren't even that bad. Niall's totally caught off guard when his phone chimes with a new text from Bressie.

_Are you sleeping with him?_

And a few minutes later, _I wouldn't blame you. He's probably a fair bit nicer to you than I've been lately_

Niall's not entirely sure what he's on about. Bressie's not texted him or called at all since Niall crept out of his house a few weeks back, and now this? He sends back _who the feck are you talking about?_

His phone rings in his hand not a few minutes later, Bressie's face big as ever on his screen. He's even more confused as he swipes the screen to accept the call. 

Niall's barely said hello when Bressie slurs, "Rory. Are yeh...are you a thing now?" Christ, he sounds proper ossified, and Niall has to do a quick calculation in his head to figure out what time it is back in Dublin.

And also, he's suddenly angry. Bressie's calling him up, pissed and demanding information Niall's not obligated to share. It's not fair of him.

"Firstly," he says, gruff. "Just because I'm into guys doesn't mean everyone I hang around with is as well. And secondly, you just. You don't have a right to know who I get off with, Head. If you don't want me like that, it's fine, but you don't get to be mad when somebody else does."

Bressie's gone quiet on the other end, and Niall thinks he can hear him sniffle, like he's proper upset. "How much have you had to drink?" he asks, softer than before. 

“More than I should,” he mutters, and then, “Never said I didn’t want you.” He says it so quietly, Niall almost misses it. Still, it knocks the wind from his lungs. 

His voice is shakey when he finally finds it. “Brez, you can’t just say things like that. S’not fair to me.”

“Don’t talk to me about not fair, Chief,” Bressie laughs, humourless. His words are slightly slurred from drink, but he chooses them carefully. “You told me you’ve been in love with me and then you left. Yeh never even gave me a chance to figure out what I was feeling. You just decided it’d be better to cut me out’f yer life. How is that fair, Niall?”

“You - you’re pissed as a fart. You don’t even know what you’re after saying.” 

“I know I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. Want to do it again.” The thing is, Niall wants that too, more than anything. He just has more to lose than Bressie does.

“I can’t do this right now, head. I’ve got a show tonight, gotta get my flight soon.” 

Bressie sighs, and Niall wonders where he is, if he’s out somewhere, or if he’s lying in bed with the sheets rucked up around his hips. “Will I see you?” Bressie asks him.

Niall doesn’t hesitate. “Flying back to London a couple days after me birthday, but. I’m serious. I won’t let you mess me about.”

“Not messing. Wanna see you. Just. Come back, yeah?”

“Alright.”

**

The last month of tour is crazy. Niall’s trying to enjoy every bit of it, because he’s not sure when he’ll get to tour America like this again. They still have a month of shows left back home, but it’s not quite the same. A whole gang of them go out for Sandy’s stag do, and Niall ends up spending twenty-four hours in his hotel bed, recovering. He’s not heard from Bressie again, which he’s not really surprised by. They both have lives to live, and they’re both extremely busy right now. Besides, Brez had been drunk when he’d phoned before, and Niall doesn’t feel right holding him to anything he’d said. 

After the last show in Boston, Niall and Willie and some of the other lads fly to Las Vegas for his birthday celebration. It's fun, being able to just let loose with his boys and not have to worry about work. He can't stop thinking about Bressie, though, and the way he'd sounded when he asked Niall to come back. He drinks more than he probably should, trying to block out the memory. It's nearly sunrise when he finally makes it back to his room and collapses into bed.

Niall's not entirely sure how long he sleeps; it's one of the bonuses of having a few days off, not needing to set an alarm. When he does finally wake, he scrolls through his Twitter, catching up on his birthday messages. He's only about halfway through when he gets to Bressie's. 

_@nbrez: breithlá sona chief @NiallOfficial_

It's simple, but it's so, so Bressie, and Niall is hit with a sudden wave of homesickness he hasn't felt the likes of since he first moved to London. There's a knock on his door just before Willie lets himself in, but Niall can't do anything but stare at his phone in his hand. 

"What's the plan, Ni?" Willie asks.

Niall has no idea what he's doing, he feels like he lost the plot months ago. All he knows is that he wants to be anywhere but here. He wants to be home.

"I think I need to go back to London."

Willie doesn't ask, because he's an absolute gem, but Niall tells him anyways. Tells him the whole story from beginning to end. He doesn't look at Niall with sad eyes or disappointment, but understanding, like suddenly everything makes sense. It's a relief, honestly, since only a couple of people know, and even those only know bits and pieces. He just needs to get himself home, so that he can tell Bressie.

He books a flight late on Tuesday that will put him in London on Wednesday afternoon, with the time difference. 

He's completely exhausted when he finally lands, having not been able to sleep much on the flight. He's starving, so he asks his driver to stop and get him something at Nandos before heading to his house, considering they've still got at least two hours on the m25. He's not been home in nearly three months, so he'll have to call for a grocery delivery later. He'll also need to get his physio scheduled for his foot, but that can wait until his head is straight. Right now, he just wants to eat, have a hot shower, and crawl back into bed.

It’s early the next day, before he finally gets out of bed in search of something he can eat. He can tell nearly straight away that someone else is in the house, the low hum of music coming from somewhere downstairs. He’d swear Willie wasn't coming back for a few more days, but it’s possible he’s got that mixed up. He slips back into his boot brace and grabs the cane that he’s kept by his bed since his knee operation, just for balance, since he’s still a bit groggy with sleep. It takes him a few minutes, but Niall eventually makes his way downstairs, only stopping for a wee and to brush the stale taste from his mouth.

He’s not sure entirely what he was expecting to find there, but he’s damn sure it wasn’t Bressie, standing over Niall's dining table, setting two places for breakfast. 

"Hi," he says, careful.

Bressie freezes in place, his shoulders tense, even though his tentative smile is warm. "Hey," he says. "Sorry to just, let myself into your house. You should probably think about changing your gate code, as well as the hiding spot for yer spare key." He looks sheepish, but Niall smiles back, trying to be reassuring. 

"Not that I mind, but what are yeh doing here, head?" 

Bressie scrubs his hand over the back of his head and looks around. "I was in the city, saw your tweet last night. I figured you'd want to sleep off yer flight, like always. Also thought you might not have anything in that was edible after being gone so long."

"You bought me groceries?" Niall asks, laughing at how absurd this all feels.

"Hope you're hungry," Bressie says in answer, smile coming easier now, softer. "I know how you get after a long flight, so I made enough for a small army. I'd have been here earlier, only I forgot what a bitch it can be to find parking in the city. Tesco's was a madhouse." 

Niall just stares for a moment, not quite sure what to say when Bressie's stammering on like that. Instead of answering, Niall sets his cane against the side of a chair and hobbles his way over until he's standing directly in front of Bressie. He's gorgeous, always has been, but it really hits Niall now, making him ache to reach out and touch. "I've missed you," he starts, getting straight to the point. "And I'd really like to kiss you. But I don't know if that's okay, because last time I tried to put a move on you, yeh told me you had a girlfriend."

Bressie looks like he wants to say something, but Niall stops him with a hand. "I'm not angry anymore, so don't try to apologize. I just. I'm tired of pretending that I'll be able to get over you. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not arse over tit for you. I had a plan. I was going to come to Dublin and tell you all of this, but you’re here, and I just. I want you in my life, head. I want all the things we always had as friends, but I also want to kiss you and take you to bed. I want to be able to say that I love you and have yeh know what that really means. I need you to know that I want you here with me. But it’s your choice, and whatever happens between us now is up to you." 

It feels both exhilarating and utterly terrifying to lay his heart out like that, but Bressie's looking at him like maybe everything's going to be alright.

Bressie takes a step forward, reaching up to cradle Niall's jaw in one of his massive hands and pressing their foreheads together. "I think maybe I've always been a bit in love with you," he says softly. "S'why I struggled so hard after what happened between us that night. I felt like I had no right to you, was afraid of holding you back." He licks his lips and nudges his nose against Niall's, encouraging him to turn his face up a bit more. He's got both of his hands on Niall's face now, looking him square in the eyes.

"But make no mistake, Niall. I want you. I want you now, just like I wanted you then, more even. It’s sorry I am it's taken me so long to get my head on straight." Niall doesn't spare it a moment's thought before he's leaning up into Bressie and pressing their lips together. 

It's good, better than he'd remembered, and he curses his brain for forgetting the small details. The way Bressie sighs against his mouth at first contact, and how he sucks Niall's bottom lip in between his own just before he presses his tongue inside. His mind could never recreate accurately the way Bressie's nails bite into the skin on his lower back where he's slid his hand just under the edge of Niall's thin tshirt. It makes him feel hot all over, and he can't help the moan that escapes his throat.

Bressie pulls away first. He kisses Niall quickly once, and then again, and says, "Our breakfast is getting cold. Sit down and I'll fetch yeh a glass of juice and some coffee, yeah?"

"But," Niall says, trying to draw Bressie back in. "I'm not hungry."

"You're _always_ hungry, chief. Besides, you need to eat, keep your strength up for later." Bressie grins wickedly, turning toward the kitchen before Niall can come up with a reply. He falls into his chair and says _thank you_ when Bressie sets a plate in front of him.

They chat all through breakfast, just catching up on things. It's so like it used to be that Niall thinks it could be three years ago, back before things went all pear-shaped. For the first time in ages, he feels peaceful. It feels just like coming home.

**

"Fuck, Bres. Just…” Niall gasps, Bressie’s thick fingers stretching his hole. It’s so good, and yet so overwhelming all at once. Everything about Bressie is too much, but Niall’s not one to complain. It’s been hours since Bressie’s promise of _later_ , and Niall really wants to come, wants Bressie buried deep inside of him.

Bressie chuckles, and then laves the flat of his tongue over one of Niall’s already sensitive nipples. “You gonna come fer me, doll?” he asks.

“Not. Not like this,” Niall answers, breathless. “ _Fuck_. Want you to fuck me.” 

He whines when Bressie slides his fingers out, his eyes closing as he tries to catch his breath. He feels Bressie hovering over him even before he gently strokes the back of his hand over Niall’s cheek. 

“You’ve done that before, yeah?”

Niall can feel the flush in his cheeks, but he hopes it’s more from arousal than embarrassment. “Yeah,” he says. “It’s been a while, though.” 

Bressie cocks an eyebrow at him. Niall sighs and says, “Eight months or so. Last winter. But I, like. I do it to myself sometimes.” He closes his eyes when he says it, because it is kind of embarrassing, telling Bressie what he does to himself when he has a wank. 

“You finger yourself?” Bressie asks. Niall nods, but the truth is, he’s been mostly dating girls the last couple of years, and not everyone is into that kind of thing. He’d bought his first dildo six months after he’d hooked up with Brez the first time. 

“Or with a vibrator,” he admits, shyly. "Feels full. I like it.”

Bressie huffs out a breath and rests his forehead against Niall’s chest, muttering, “Fuck, but that’s hot, babe.”

He reaches down, scritching his fingers over the back of Bressie’s head. Bressie starts kissing his way up Niall’s neck until they’re face to face and their lips are pressed together again, their eyes locked. Connected in a way that Niall's never felt before. 

They separate so that Niall can grab a couple of condoms from the bedside table, the lube still beside him on the bed where they'd tossed it earlier. He hands one of them to Bressie, and tosses the other on the table, just in case. 

Bressie flops down on his back beside Niall as he rolls the condom down his shaft. "Want you on top," he says, reaching for the lube and slicking himself up. "Wanna touch you all over while you ride me."

It's good, the burning stretch as he slowly sinks down on Bressie's thick cock. But between the dull ache in his foot and his knee locking up, he can't get a rhythm going. Bressie helps him get his legs out in front of him so that they're wrapped behind Bressie's back. It lets Brez get even deeper inside of him, and he can't fight back the moan that rises from his throat. 

Bressie's hands are tight on his hips, helping Niall to rock back and forth on his cock, and it feels so good. It's so much better than he'd ever imagined, maybe because Bressie's brilliant when it comes to fucking. Or maybe it's just because it's them, together, after so much time. 

His gut is coiled tight like he's about to go off, and he feels like he could cry, because he wants to come so badly. Wants this, wants Bressie forever. Niall can feel the tears forming behind his closed eyelids as he throws his head back and groans loudly. That's when Bressie starts to talk.

Niall can't make it out at first, just a litany of low murmurs against Niall's throat as Bressie kisses and bites at every inch of skin he can reach. But Niall's so close, leaning forward to rest his head on Bressie's shoulder as their thrusting and grinding become more erratic. 

"Love you," Bressie breathes in Niall's ear. "Didn't say it, before, but I love you, Niall. _Fuck_. Love you so much, babe. Never gonna let you go again." It's too much, and Niall tries to stop the sob that escapes him when he finally comes, reaching down to milk his cock where it's spurting over both of their stomachs. 

" _Mine_ ," Bressie growls as he pulls Niall down on his cock and buries himself as deep as he can get. Niall can feel Bressie pulsing inside of him, going silent as his whole body shakes with his orgasm. Niall snakes his arms around Bressie's neck, kissing him on both cheeks before pressing their foreheads together. He sighs when Bressie's arms wind around his back and pull him impossibly closer, keeping them connected as they shiver through the aftershocks.

It hits Niall then, that this is real. It’s his to keep.


End file.
